Spring/Summer 2002




"Change the world and it changes you. Never forget that."
































"Be ready. Fight the fight like you never have and never give up on your dreams, your expectations and your future. Never lose the spark of hope. Never lose what you have inside you. Never. Hope is a spark that can grow into a giant ball of fire, taking all blackness with it. It destroys and cleans wounds and rebuilds."

 




I sit at my computer, contemplating the world, the existence and anything else I can think of. I am now closing in on spring break here at Fort Lewis and am now facing decisions which could affect the very balance of my life. I'm also in the midst of confusion about many a thing and horribly misunderstanding the direction in which I am to go. I am unsure where I am to be, what I am to do, and how I am to go about doing any of it. It seems like a worthless experience, going through this college life, being here, dealing with all of this stuff and then coming away as confused or even more so when I walked into the doors here in Sheridan "B". Is it because I have done something for so long that all at once leaving that has left me bereft, lost and without knowledge of what my next step? Or is it because I stopped listening so long ago that nothing really matters and even if you say it loud, it’s doubtful I'll pick it up. Has it come to the point that I don't know who I am anymore, to the point of I have no clue where I stand in my life?

I'm not sure. To be totally brutally honest, I don't think I've ever been sure. I've known what works for me, I've known what I can do and how to do it, but never really had a feeling of knowing this is what I am supposed to do. I think the only time that has ever come through has been teaching Sunday morning at my old church in Littleton. I knew those kids, I knew their feelings and I knew who they were and I could teach them things that they never knew and would have never learned had I not spoken a single word. Just the action of them being there and seeing my caring and wanting to teach showed them something, a tiny spark of light in their otherwise dark world. Children face a mammoth challenge in the world. Do they fall into step with the rest of their buddies or do they step out and say what's right and what's wrong? For some, following the leader is always the choice. But when you stop them, if only for a moment, they look to you and you point to them the way life could be, the way they can change the world and things happen. Their eyes change, their attitude changes and they change, moving themselves into the world to change it as well.

It is worthwhile to note that this is my only real calling I have felt. To get out there and make a difference in someone's life, to brighten their world, to show them what lies ahead and what can be for their future. But it is hard to do that in a different place. You don't know these kids, you haven't seen them and for all you know, they just might think you're a bit off your rocker. But that's okay, as long as they look at you and wonder and think about what makes you you. How do you love so much? How do you face the world each day? How do you manage to get out of bed and look into the glaring sun? How do you make it?

For me, it's simple. I stand and I stand. Sometimes I will stumble and sometimes I will fall. I will admit to this openly to you. I fall, I sin, I collapse and I give up. But not forever. I sit and think and wonder how I got here. And then I realize. I did this to myself. I forced all of this on myself. I brought it all on me. It was my fault, me. Once I can admit that, things can change. Life can improve. There is always a little light at the end of the tunnel. There is always a slim piece of hope hanging on in my lost heart. My day can turn to utter crap, it can become the worst day of my entire existence. It can force me into the darkest depression where there is no light, but only blind feeling of the hands. It can drive me to the edge with no brakes. But there is still something out there that can stop this errant vehicle from dashing itself across the rocks. Hope. It is the small spark of Hope that holds everything together. It is Hope that can bring much needed light to your darkened eyes.

Each day I stand at the crossroads. Each day I stand in the midst of chaos, of insanity and of destruction. Each day I begin with one foot over the other, moving out into the dark world. And each morning I pull myself out of whatever battle I ended with the night before and I put on new armor. I burn the old and begin anew. The battlefield may not show up until the last moment of the day when I look back. It may not come in the closing darkness, it may never come. But I am always ready, always standing, trying my damndest to stand on that rock, sword drawn, ready to hold my ground as best as I can. I am strong, I am courageous and I am. I have Him with me.

I may stumble, I may fall under the sword and I may come as close to the blackness of death that day. But I will not die. I will not lose my soul. I will not be defeated. I will fall, I will feel the pain surging through my veins, but I will not give up. I will come back to the Cross, each and every morning, take my armor and turn grimly to the field in front of me. My eyes are ever watchful, my ears ever on guard. I may fall prey to surprise, but I will never stand down in a fight. My life is too important to those around me to stop and lay down my arms and let the darkness take me away. I cannot allow that to happen. I cannot be the victim of a weak heart. My heart will fight, my heart will pound with every passing moment, be damned anyone who tries to stop me from my daily mission.

I will not fail. I will not fail. God willing, I will defeat it one day. God willing, I will stand without battle, without fear, without hesitation and without evil behind me, watching my every move. I will not doubt myself. I will not fall into the ever destructive spiral of depression. I will not fail. I will not allow the enemy to win. I will stand, I will stand and I will stand.

Today, I sit in front of my computer, thinking of my life and of all I have done in the small amount of time I have been on this earth. I smile at some, and cringe at others. Today is the day to being anew. Today is a day to start something. Today is the day to start a revolution. Today is that day. A day to start something in the wings and bring it forward with all strength and all courage. I stand, I fall, and I stumble. But I always get up and I never sit down. I will not, I cannot and I shall not.

My hope is that my life will mean something to you out there. My hope is that I will encourage you to fight whatever you’re facing. My hope is that you will and, God-willing, you will win and be able to stand atop your mountain, free and ready. Be ready. Fight the fight like you never have and never give up on your dreams, your expectations and your future. Never lose the spark of hope. Never lose what you have inside you. Never. Hope is a spark that can grow into a giant ball of fire, taking all blackness with it. It destroys and cleans wounds and rebuilds. I wish you "God speed" on your journeys in life, for you may never know what they are until the last moment. And in that last moment you will know, you have done well. Change the world and it changes you. Never forget that.

Today is a day. Tomorrow is another. Fight the good fight and remember that each night as you lay down, you prepare for another one, another fateful meeting. Each day is your battleground. Stand. "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead"!
















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Aaron DeLay loves to write. He has created many short stories and is currently working on others for his new column in LFCNews. He also works on a web-zine, Post Alley. We are proud to have Aaron join the LFC team. He's a rock-solid Christian who has wore many hats in meaningful Christian activities including hosting a Littleton-based cell group for Orchard Road Christian Center where he made the basement of his home available to a teen cell group which reached out to many who were affected by the Columbine tragedy.

Aaron is a full time student at Fort Lewis College in Durango, Colorado. He intends to pursue teaching english. To write to Aaron you can reach him at papatrouter@msn.net, 45026931 on the chat program ICQ or as ad5482 on AOL instant messenger.
   


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