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"Change
the world and it changes you. Never forget that."
"Be ready.
Fight the fight like you never have and never give up on your
dreams, your expectations and your future. Never lose the spark
of hope. Never lose what you have inside you. Never. Hope is a
spark that can grow into a giant ball of fire, taking all blackness
with it. It destroys and cleans wounds and rebuilds."
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I
sit at my computer, contemplating the world, the existence and anything
else I can think of. I am now closing in on spring break here at Fort
Lewis and am now facing decisions which could affect the very balance
of my life. I'm also in the midst of confusion about many a thing and
horribly misunderstanding the direction in which I am to go. I am unsure
where I am to be, what I am to do, and how I am to go about doing any
of it. It seems like a worthless experience, going through this college
life, being here, dealing with all of this stuff and then coming away
as confused or even more so when I walked into the doors here in Sheridan
"B". Is it because I have done something for so long that
all at once leaving that has left me bereft, lost and without knowledge
of what my next step? Or is it because I stopped listening so long ago
that nothing really matters and even if you say it loud, it’s doubtful
I'll pick it up. Has it come to the point that I don't know who I am
anymore, to the point of I have no clue where I stand in my life?
I'm not sure. To be totally brutally honest, I don't think I've ever
been sure. I've known what works for me, I've known what I can do and
how to do it, but never really had a feeling of knowing this is what
I am supposed to do. I think the only time that has ever come through
has been teaching Sunday morning at my old church in Littleton. I knew
those kids, I knew their feelings and I knew who they were and I could
teach them things that they never knew and would have never learned
had I not spoken a single word. Just the action of them being there
and seeing my caring and wanting to teach showed them something, a tiny
spark of light in their otherwise dark world. Children face a mammoth
challenge in the world. Do they fall into step with the rest of their
buddies or do they step out and say what's right and what's wrong? For
some, following the leader is always the choice. But when you stop them,
if only for a moment, they look to you and you point to them the way
life could be, the way they can change the world and things happen.
Their eyes change, their attitude changes and they change, moving themselves
into the world to change it as well.
It is worthwhile to note that this is my only real calling I have felt.
To get out there and make a difference in someone's life, to brighten
their world, to show them what lies ahead and what can be for their
future. But it is hard to do that in a different place. You don't know
these kids, you haven't seen them and for all you know, they just might
think you're a bit off your rocker. But that's okay, as long as they
look at you and wonder and think about what makes you you. How do you
love so much? How do you face the world each day? How do you manage
to get out of bed and look into the glaring sun? How do you make it?
For me, it's simple. I stand and I stand. Sometimes I will stumble and
sometimes I will fall. I will admit to this openly to you. I fall, I
sin, I collapse and I give up. But not forever. I sit and think and
wonder how I got here. And then I realize. I did this to myself. I forced
all of this on myself. I brought it all on me. It was my fault, me.
Once I can admit that, things can change. Life can improve. There is
always a little light at the end of the tunnel. There is always a slim
piece of hope hanging on in my lost heart. My day can turn to utter
crap, it can become the worst day of my entire existence. It can force
me into the darkest depression where there is no light, but only blind
feeling of the hands. It can drive me to the edge with no brakes. But
there is still something out there that can stop this errant vehicle
from dashing itself across the rocks. Hope. It is the small spark of
Hope that holds everything together. It is Hope that can bring much
needed light to your darkened eyes.
Each day I stand at the crossroads. Each day I stand in the midst of
chaos, of insanity and of destruction. Each day I begin with one foot
over the other, moving out into the dark world. And each morning I pull
myself out of whatever battle I ended with the night before and I put
on new armor. I burn the old and begin anew. The battlefield may not
show up until the last moment of the day when I look back. It may not
come in the closing darkness, it may never come. But I am always ready,
always standing, trying my damndest to stand on that rock, sword drawn,
ready to hold my ground as best as I can. I am strong, I am courageous
and I am. I have Him with me.
I may stumble, I may fall under the sword and I may come as close to
the blackness of death that day. But I will not die. I will not lose
my soul. I will not be defeated. I will fall, I will feel the pain surging
through my veins, but I will not give up. I will come back to the Cross,
each and every morning, take my armor and turn grimly to the field in
front of me. My eyes are ever watchful, my ears ever on guard. I may
fall prey to surprise, but I will never stand down in a fight. My life
is too important to those around me to stop and lay down my arms and
let the darkness take me away. I cannot allow that to happen. I cannot
be the victim of a weak heart. My heart will fight, my heart will pound
with every passing moment, be damned anyone who tries to stop me from
my daily mission.
I will not fail. I will not fail. God willing, I will defeat it one
day. God willing, I will stand without battle, without fear, without
hesitation and without evil behind me, watching my every move. I will
not doubt myself. I will not fall into the ever destructive spiral of
depression. I will not fail. I will not allow the enemy to win. I will
stand, I will stand and I will stand.
Today, I sit in front of my computer, thinking of my life and of all
I have done in the small amount of time I have been on this earth. I
smile at some, and cringe at others. Today is the day to being anew.
Today is a day to start something. Today is the day to start a revolution.
Today is that day. A day to start something in the wings and bring it
forward with all strength and all courage. I stand, I fall, and I stumble.
But I always get up and I never sit down. I will not, I cannot and I
shall not.
My hope is that my life will mean something to you out there. My hope
is that I will encourage you to fight whatever you’re facing. My hope
is that you will and, God-willing, you will win and be able to stand
atop your mountain, free and ready. Be ready. Fight the fight like you
never have and never give up on your dreams, your expectations and your
future. Never lose the spark of hope. Never lose what you have inside
you. Never. Hope is a spark that can grow into a giant ball of fire,
taking all blackness with it. It destroys and cleans wounds and rebuilds.
I wish you "God speed" on your journeys in life, for you may
never know what they are until the last moment. And in that last moment
you will know, you have done well. Change the world and it changes you.
Never forget that.
Today is a day. Tomorrow is another. Fight the good fight and remember
that each night as you lay down, you prepare for another one, another
fateful meeting. Each day is your battleground. Stand. "Damn the
torpedoes, full speed ahead"!
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